You’re running and you’re running and you’re running away …

Posted on | August 25, 2008 |

Guilt, something I was recently discussing. It is, I think a huge part in most peoples lives.  It might not be at the forefront of their thoughts but somewhere deep below there is always something in the back of yourself that drives you to finish things and push yourself harder.  While not something readily admitted, I bet much of that force is guilt.

Why am I thinking about this?  Well it sort of dwelled on my mind last night and stirred some very interesting dreams.  Lately I have been remembering more of my dreams and I think it has to do with me turning a new leaf and taking on a new lifestyle. Its one of the good things the changes have brought lately.  I am also in better shape than I have been in years, and I feel great.  My priorities have all begun a huge paradigm shift and instead of scaring the ever living crap out of me its actually really peaked my interest.

For the first time in my life there is something pulling me in a direction harder than my work.  I have an amazing job, in that I am paid for what would ordinarily be a hobby.  Seriously, if I wasn’t doing this for the company I work for now I would have a little lab in the corner of a basement somewhere and would be kicking out flash versions of town council meetings or God knows what else.  It’s a problem, I know … I know.

But like I said, as much as I love my work, all of a sudden I have something else that I’m dying to do.  I’m seeing a father be careless with time and memories that I have always dreamt of having.  It’s driving me nuts!  I want to be the one with a headache running around tired out of my mind, still going when the 7 year old is bored and really just needs attention and love. Is that crazy for me to say?!  It doesn’t feel like it, but I hear it and I understand why something in my dream looked at me and asked if I am really ready for that.  If maybe I’m just jumping for something I have, like I said, always dreamt about.

I don’t think so now and I didn’t in my dream either.

I’m thirty six years old, and although I might be in the shape of a twenty six year old, I’m not getting any younger.  The desire for a child and entrance into that phase of life has been something on my mind since my early thirties.  Before that I could not have cared less, and it was all about me getting out and seeing everything I could as fast as I could.  But somewhere along the line I began looking at my friends and their families and started feeling a bit jealous.  I wanted that.  It looked like a hell of a lot of work, but the family connections it repaired and fostered between even long entrenched standoffs seemed to be amazing.

It’s here we can insert the other theme in this long drawn out explanation on what’s going on in my mind … guilt.  Running two thousand miles away for the last fifteen years, focusing on me me me, brings it’s fair share of guilt.

Surely there is no way I could have ever amassed the skill set I have acumulated by not doing what I did.  Yet it came at a price.  How many times in the last ten years have you personally celebrated either one of your parent’s birthdays with them?  I can count that on one finger.  That’s not something I’m proud of.  Those are memories that I, nor my parents, can ever have.  Like I said, guilt.

Now I’m sure they would read this and say they were glad that I got out and did what I always wanted to do and had the experiences that I did.  That it made me who I am and they are proud of me.  That’s the type of parents they are, amazingly supportive.

It’s occured to me lately that for the last dozen years or so I have been running in exaclty the wrong direction.  What I have beeen chasing the whole time was something I created a lifestyle out of running away from.   Instead of seeking ultimate success in independence, I should have been chasing family.  I would be alot farther on, personally and professionally.

So where is all this going?

For the first time in my life I am certain about something, and that something is pushing and pulling me in ways I have never experienced.  It’s making me feel emotions in situations that I would have not even noticed before.  It’s changing my focus.  It’s strange, new, and familiar all at the same time.  It’s also sad that it took all these years to figure out what that something is.

It’s family, and it’s been right in front of me the whole time.

So in an answer to the nagging something in my dreams … no I am not chasing a dream, I’m moving towards a reality.  I’m moving towards a family.

I’m finally looking at the bigger picture of life and not focusing on my id, ego, and super ego.  I’m seeing the joy at what I have been missing.

In the end, the little thing in the back of my head that always propelled me to seek out more and more, turned out to be the guilt I feel about running away from what I unconsciously new was the correct answer and the right direction the whole time.

There, take that you weird psycho-analytical dream …

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