Archives for August, 2008
You’re running and you’re running and you’re running away …
Guilt, something I was recently discussing. It is, I think a huge part in most peoples lives. It might not be at the forefront of their thoughts but somewhere deep below there is always something in the back of yourself that drives you to finish things and push yourself harder. While not something readily admitted, I bet much of that force is guilt.
Why am I thinking about this? Well it sort of dwelled on my mind last night and stirred some very interesting dreams. Lately I have been remembering more of my dreams and I think it has to do with me turning a new leaf and taking on a new lifestyle. Its one of the good things the changes have brought lately. I am also in better shape than I have been in years, and I feel great. My priorities have all begun a huge paradigm shift and instead of scaring the ever living crap out of me its actually really peaked my interest.
For the first time in my life there is something pulling me in a direction harder than my work. I have an amazing job, in that I am paid for what would ordinarily be a hobby. Seriously, if I wasn’t doing this for the company I work for now I would have a little lab in the corner of a basement somewhere and would be kicking out flash versions of town council meetings or God knows what else. It’s a problem, I know … I know.
But like I said, as much as I love my work, all of a sudden I have something else that I’m dying to do. I’m seeing a father be careless with time and memories that I have always dreamt of having. It’s driving me nuts! I want to be the one with a headache running around tired out of my mind, still going when the 7 year old is bored and really just needs attention and love. Is that crazy for me to say?! It doesn’t feel like it, but I hear it and I understand why something in my dream looked at me and asked if I am really ready for that. If maybe I’m just jumping for something I have, like I said, always dreamt about.
I don’t think so now and I didn’t in my dream either.
I’m thirty six years old, and although I might be in the shape of a twenty six year old, I’m not getting any younger. The desire for a child and entrance into that phase of life has been something on my mind since my early thirties. Before that I could not have cared less, and it was all about me getting out and seeing everything I could as fast as I could. But somewhere along the line I began looking at my friends and their families and started feeling a bit jealous. I wanted that. It looked like a hell of a lot of work, but the family connections it repaired and fostered between even long entrenched standoffs seemed to be amazing.
It’s here we can insert the other theme in this long drawn out explanation on what’s going on in my mind … guilt. Running two thousand miles away for the last fifteen years, focusing on me me me, brings it’s fair share of guilt.
Surely there is no way I could have ever amassed the skill set I have acumulated by not doing what I did. Yet it came at a price. How many times in the last ten years have you personally celebrated either one of your parent’s birthdays with them? I can count that on one finger. That’s not something I’m proud of. Those are memories that I, nor my parents, can ever have. Like I said, guilt.
Now I’m sure they would read this and say they were glad that I got out and did what I always wanted to do and had the experiences that I did. That it made me who I am and they are proud of me. That’s the type of parents they are, amazingly supportive.
It’s occured to me lately that for the last dozen years or so I have been running in exaclty the wrong direction. What I have beeen chasing the whole time was something I created a lifestyle out of running away from. Instead of seeking ultimate success in independence, I should have been chasing family. I would be alot farther on, personally and professionally.
So where is all this going?
For the first time in my life I am certain about something, and that something is pushing and pulling me in ways I have never experienced. It’s making me feel emotions in situations that I would have not even noticed before. It’s changing my focus. It’s strange, new, and familiar all at the same time. It’s also sad that it took all these years to figure out what that something is.
It’s family, and it’s been right in front of me the whole time.
So in an answer to the nagging something in my dreams … no I am not chasing a dream, I’m moving towards a reality. I’m moving towards a family.
I’m finally looking at the bigger picture of life and not focusing on my id, ego, and super ego. I’m seeing the joy at what I have been missing.
In the end, the little thing in the back of my head that always propelled me to seek out more and more, turned out to be the guilt I feel about running away from what I unconsciously new was the correct answer and the right direction the whole time.
There, take that you weird psycho-analytical dream …
Well it’s about time your home!
Well after a long journey through the lines of the DFW airport customs department we are finally back. The kids were all very happy to see us and have been shadows since we walked in the door. They were well taken care of while we were gone by Joanne and Glen so they have nothing to whine about, but that’s not stopping them.
Now that I’m home it’s time to get back into the swing of things and jump back into my little monster of a project. The team I left in charge did manage to finish most of the things I left, but then I figured it was too much anyway. I’m looking to have this monster tamed and put to rest by tomorrow, a lofty goal I know. We’ll see how it goes. It’s not due until Monday anyway.
Although Jamaica was a ton of fun I did miss talking to Bonnie. We have started a routine of talking with each other and it was strange to not have that call everyday.
I had a few firsts while in Jamaica, starting with shopping for a 7 year old, Luke. All week long I was stealing glances at kids and their parents trying to see what an average boy that age would wear. I ended up with something I hope he likes and can actually use, not just the typical t-shirt. Hannah is 14, very artistically talented and mature for her age and was much more difficult to shop for. I’m still wondering if I went the right direction. Bonnie on the other hand was easy … lol 
I just need to come home and keep moving forward in the direction we have talked about. Of course, she has some presents too, but it’s nice to be loved again.
The best presents I could give would be honesty and trust. I guess that goes for everyone too. You know, I might be flying blind here and this is so new to me, but I am having fun. I only hope I can exceed or live up to any preconceived notions the kids might have about me. Then again the bar hasn’t exactly been set in too challenging of a position. In this situation I almost have a built in barometer and an example of what not to do. Plus I’ve always thought that if the average moron can bring up a child successfully then I should be alright. Words I am sure to eat eventually … 
Have a good day kids … and Mom.
What a vacation!
Well Bryan and I are almost finished with our Jamaican vacation, and not a moment too soon! We’ve managed to single handedly drink the resort out of Red Stripe Light, and the locals are also mumbling something about us devastating local vegetation, but we’re still not sure where they’re going with that …
One more night here in Montego Bay. Wheww … I’ll try and muster the strength to party one more night, but it will be a long time before I’ll crave another Red Stripe. I really need to find something other than beer to drink. Man, my trainers are going to kill me …
As it was in the begining
Here we go, time to head to the airport! I’ll try and post some pictures once in a while. Have a good week kids.
enero
Jamaica Mon …
I’m getting ready to depart for Jamaica with Bryan in the morning. I’ve been waiting a long time for the chance to reclaim my “happy spot”. I’m looking forward to sitting with my feet in the sand relaxing and soaking up the good luck that has been bestowed upon me lately.
I’ll post more later, but that’s all I have for now.
What a weekend
On the spur of the moment I asked Bonnie to fly down and spend the weekend with me and it was amazing. We had so much fun.
We acted like kids again and really got to know each other and make a few decisions. With kids involved planning of some type has to occur, although we do seem to be throwing caution to the wind right now. But oh well, it feels good.
I can honestly say I understand what someone once told me, “it was never as close as …” Now I get it. This bond is beyond anything I have felt before. We have so much history and are so comfortable with each other, it’s amazing.
I’m not going to get mushy, but I sure am smitten.
…
